Friday, August 1, 2014

Echoes Flicker in Mocking Silence

my shadow flickers in the candle light
    my shadow flickers in the candle light
    mocking me with every breath it steals
mocking me with every breath it steals
    the candle flickers with mocking breath;
in every shadow, it steals me my light.

laughter echoes within my mind
    laughter echoes within my mind
    while pain hides in the silence
while pain hides in the silence
    my laughter hides pain within, while
silence echoes in the mind.

for my silent heart fears each breath it takes
    for my silent heart fears each breath it takes
    while hope tears straight through my head as a scream
while hope tears straight through my head as a scream
    as hope takes a breath each silent scream tears
through my heart while my fears head straight for it.

within the mind mocking laughter hides
    for it echoes in every breath while fear screams
pain flickers straight through me
    as it steals my breath with silent tears
    my shadow takes in the silence while
my head - my heart - my hope - each light a candle



Inspiration for this piece and a note on form:  It started with a prompt from an unexpected individual over at dVerse Poets Pub.  As part of FormForAll, the paradelle was presented...a faux form that became an actual form.  It is a very interesting and if you ask me crazy form.  I'm not really sure what on earth I was thinking in trying it, but I have a tendency to try any form at least once (three times before I really settle on whether I like it or not; I think I'll remain undecided on this form).  While trying to come up with an idea...after scribbling my first thought out...an old piece popped into my head.  It was used as the inspiration for the content of this piece.  Hopefully in the end the poem makes sense.  Not an easy task given the structure of the form.

An aside:  There is a part of me that would love to provide you with the internal rhetoric that occurred while composing the final stanza of this piece–I feel it would be quite entertaining–but I thought I'd save you from my inane ramblings for this post.

17 comments:

Brian Miller said...

nice...i like your 5/6 lines on the 2nd...and 3rd stanzas...and that last line of the whole poem...you worked this pretty well...it does make sense...which is not easy with this one...ha

thecourseofourseasons.com said...

Awesome - that last line so perfect - made it look easy - and I know it is not- wonderful! k

Bodhirose said...

You did this perfectly...there's something haunting in your piece and it makes sense too. Love it!

Kathy said...

Excellent! Nice flow and evocative of certain memories for me...love the candle flickering.

Vandana Sharma said...

I like it!

Björn Rudberg said...

What a beautiful sense it my made.. The last line is perfection to sum it up.

Sumana Roy said...

This one is simply superb...all the 5th and 6th lines of the three stanzas are intense..and the last line is spot on..it's not easy to write such deep meaningful verse in this form and the title is wonderful too...

Jeff said...

Nice job on this. My favorite line: "silence echoes in the mind." I think this form actually works with this kind of subject; the repetition and rather disjointed syntax is in keeping with a troubled mind. I like it!

Gabriella said...

Your poem does make sense! I like the images in the three stanzas, especially the opening line. But, most of all, I think you did a great job with the last stanza and your closing line rounds it all up. Perfect!

Mary said...

Excellent. In fact, I think this is one of the best poems that I read for this challenge. The progression through the stanzas makes total sense, and I can feel (from the gut) what is being expressed. The last stanza is perfection; the last two lines awe me. I think this poem is publication worthy. Just my 'humble' opinion. Smiles.

Claudia said...

love how head, heart and hope each light a candle there in the close to defy the mocking shadows that can creep up so easily at times... very cool job on the form as well

Glenn Buttkus said...

Sad, sweet, brimming with existential romanticism, this really rocked the Collins faux prompt. Like the 2nd stanza a lot, & the lines /laughter echoes within my mind/while pain hides in the silence/.

michaelt said...

very clever, loved the first stanza in fact you weaved excellent meaning in each stanza so very well done rmp.

Poet Laundry said...

Several have beat me to using "excellent" to describe this. I haven't tried the form yet, but I think I may have a go at it. Yours, again, is excellent!

Anders Woje Ellingsen said...

It is a form funny to play with. Your sentences are not all easy to grasp, but a message is stated. Irony is difficult to live with.

Thank you very much for the comment of yours on my blog addressing this prompt! I loved it! And your comment inspired me to write the following:

I am insane.
And that is gain
since I no form
make out as norm.

I make them all!
That is my call.
And when I do,
I gather clue.

(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
--------------------------------------------------
| † | Andrew
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The Bizza said...

What a haunting, brilliant poem. I know that this is form was created to mock forms, but I never considered that it could be used as a vehicle for shadowy ruminations. Really good work here.

The Bizza said...

What a haunting, brilliant poem. I know that this is form was created to mock forms, but I never considered that it could be used as a vehicle for shadowy ruminations. Really good work here.