Hope Is a Double-Edged Sword (& an update)

Hope Is a Double-Edged Sword

"Well I know it gets harder every single day
And I know my darkness will never go away
It's hard when you're living and you don't feel much
And you're down and you're hoping that things are gonna change"
                                                                                      –We Don't Know
                                                                                        The Strumbellas

Every night I close my eyes to see the road ahead
and my mind wages war on itself;
fear of what lies ahead or rather what doesn't
torments every corner of my mind – killing me.
I struggle to breathe as I wait for sleep to take hold
and I feel hope begin to fray
with every step I've taken
with every step that lies ahead;
and what have I learned along the way?
Well, I know it get harder, every single day.

Every day I navigate through life blindly
and my heart wages war on itself;
fear of not being loved or rather being loved
vibrates across my heart strings – killing me.
I struggle to find my way as I grasp for something to hold
and I feel nothing but dismay
with the possibility of losing myself
with the possibility of finding myself;
still I continue along this pathway
and I know my darkness will never go away.

Every night I close my eyes and dream of feeling home
and my heart wages war on itself;
fear of feeling too much or rather feeling nothing
echos through the chambers of my heart – killing me.
I struggle to find peace as I wait for slumber's embrace
and I feel life's wicked clutch
with so much inside overwhelming
with so much outside begging;
how do I allow myself to feel home with me along with their touch?
It's hard when you're living and you don't feel much.

Every day I cling uncharacteristically to hope
and my mind wages war on itself;
fear of not truly living or rather of living
sears the edges of my mind – killing me.
I struggle with every breath as I cling to hope's embrace
and I feel life and I estranged
with each wish I make
with each wish life forsakes;
how do I continue when this existence is so strange
and you're down and you're hoping that things are gonna change.

---

Update (well sort of):  This is the first legit poem I've written in ages.  Okay, so that is not entirely true...to force myself to exit this state of silence, I have been using a daily planner since the start of July and posting via twitter (@rmpWritings) each day.  There is just something a little different about this piece.  Anywho...

A note on form:  This is a glosa...my fourth.  There is something about this form I kind of like.  It's an interesting form meant to pay tribute to a poet by incorporating/quoting four lines from a piece of their work. It then is followed by four stanza of 10 lines where the tenth sequentially comes from the original quote. For more detail, check out the Pub's FormForAll: Paying Tribute, Page and the Glosa.  Thus far, I find my "poet" of choice tends toward the musical kind.  While my first three pieces were all from the same group (O.A.R.).  This one found inspiration elsewhere.

Inspiration for this piece:  Yesterday, while browsing through iTunes, I stumbled across a song from a musical group I had only been briefly introduced to during the previous month.  (I apologize for the unintended pun that is about to follow.)  And it really struck a chord with me.  So much so, that the idea of writing a glosa came to my mind straight away.  So, I bought the album and wrote the glosa.

Update #2 (hopeful):  As I mentioned earlier, there is something about this form that I just like.  So, along with continuing my #poeming365 through my daily planner.  I am hoping to begin to continue to toy with the glosa; even started a new notebook (though my current is still not full) that is meant to house the glosas yet to come. And yes, I'll probably stick to songs for my opening cabeza.