Saturday, August 3, 2013

Just Me

"Give me something, give me some
      give me something to remember you
          before you fade away
              I'll be calling out your name, hey."
                                                -Give Me Something
                                                  O.A.R. (of a revolution)

I turn the music up
allowing it to wash over me;
the vibrating tendrils
wrap themselves around me,
but it's not enough
to dull the hum.
I'm stuck searching through memories --
calling out for something more,
anything to lessen the numb;
give me something, give me some.

Time seems to blaze by
scorching the edges of my mind,
burning pictures
I long to cling to;
all I'm left with are embers
of what I once knew.
now I'm stuck combing through memories --
calling out for something more,
anything to keep me from coming unglued;
give me something to remember you.

Once I could conjure up
your soothing embrace,
the only one that could ever
wash away the pain.
But now, even your phantom arms
are beginning to fray
and I'm stuck scanning through memories --
calling out for something more,
anything I can replay - replay -
before you fade away.

The candles flicker still;
though yours are only seen
reflected in my eyes.
Deep breath, I hold it in;
but I'm running out of air
for a wish I can't betray.
So I'm stuck here, all alone
just living out your name.
With every breath I give away,
I'll be calling out (y)our name, hey.

I will always share two things with my mom, a name and a birthday.  I never thought much of this day, at least not where I was's just another day.  But this is number four where I'm still waiting for it feel again like it is just another day...

The first year, I was no less lost than I am today.  But all I could do then was gather the words to me and let them pour alongside my tears in an attempt to feel (or not feel).

With year two came Treading Tears; written in blank verse which employs both meter and rhyme (two things I don't much care for), but in adhering to form I could diverge the emotional onslaught this day now brings.

When year three rolled around, I found myself Unarmed; this piece too was written in a form that typically is not so daunting, but I chose to add meter to the rondeau form.  The frustration of fitting form did as before, allowing me to make it through.  

Interestingly enough, all three (make that four) have one thing in common.  Something I still long for even today, yet will never again feel.  

Treading Tears
written in blank verse

written in rondeau form

Behind the images:  Sometimes I wonder how I ever created so many poems directly on the computer - no prewriting involved.  These two are prime examples of the craziness that comes with the creative process, especially when form is involved.  My lovely scribbles, side-ways writing and stress-notation seen here are why I wonder how I spent a good number of years composing digitally.  It also seems sad to me that when typing (and deleting) you loose the footprints of the verse; yes, it is true that occasionally I erase instead of crossing out, but still there are hints of what once was hidden there on the page. 

A note on form:  This is my second attempt at a glosa.  Oddly enough, I selected the same artist for inspiration.  Though I suppose it is not so surprising; since first discovering them I have found their music soothes when I feel out of sync with everything around me--they give me something I can sync to.


Brian Miller said...

I'm stuck here, all alone
just living out your name.
With every breath I give away,
I'll be calling out (y)our name, hey. ...very lyrical flourish there....i can feel your words...the numb int he first part and searching for something more....and how slowly we lose even those images and memories there in the end...

Mary said...

I feel your grieving here. It has been two years since someone I cared about has passed; and it doesn't get easier. I don't think the majority of people realize that. I GET the idea of being left with only embers of what once you knew....and though, I think, one calls out for something more, there IS nothing more. What is just is, and will be forever. There is nothing more to be conjured. I DO feel this deeply....for you and for me.

Mary said...

You can just delete this comment after reading it...but wanted to say thank you for really READING my poetry & giving a REAL comment. I appreciate that greatly. Hoping to see more writing from you soon as well.

Grace said...

Beautiful glosa, really well done ~ The emotional sadness is sharp specially in 3rd stanza ~ I can only imagine it though personally I have not experienced the loss or death of a loved one ~ Thanks for sharing this & wishing you happy week ~

Poet Laundry said...

There is great depth of emotion in this piece and I can feel it. Great flow to this!